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Posts from the ‘marriage’ Category

Feb 4

IcePocalypse Top 10

Show me the show! It’s day 4 of IcePocalypse 2011, and we haven’t left our apartment in 87 hours. While most people are suffering from cabin fever, here are 10 reasons why we’re keeping it cool under this Texas-sided blanket of ice.

  1. Four days of Sarah’s undivided attention.
  2. Two words: JUDGE JUDY.
  3. Acting super excited when revolutionary new beauty products come on.
  4. Talking Sarah into calling for the risk-free trial.
  5. Home made cookies.
  6. Being caught up on homework for the first time since 2004.
  7. Watching live helicopter footage of Texans in sports cars navigate frozen overpasses.
  8. Skipping rocks on the frozen parking lot (Sorry about all the dings in your cars, neighbors. It’s really tough to aim those rocks.)
  9. Time to think about the future.
  10. JUDGE JUDY.
  11. BONUS: When rolling blackouts knock out work’s email servers. We humans are so bad at resting.

Oct 13

It’s a Sarah-bration!

Every day with Sarah is a party, but today is extra festive. It’s her birthday!

It started with a cup of java from Sarah’s new coffee maker, served with a husband-crafted breakfast.

Then, we both took a time out from work to meet for lunch. She had a salad with fig dressing. Yup. Sarah knows how to live on the wild side.

After work, things got serious at the Sarah Bday Memorial Bowling Bash. Team “SOS” donned the lucky hoodie in order to better their chances, but “Team G Money and the S’s” won the high-stakes event when their combined score was the first to include both digits in Sarah’s age. First prize? A bag of Skittles. Taste that rainbow, baby!

 

Jun 21

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Anniversary 2: “Let’s Go to NYLO.”

Two years ago, we said, “I do.” Today, we still does.

Sarah and I have a strange and wonderful relationship – I’m strange and she’s wonderful. But, somehow, she’s still smiling. In a world were so many couples struggle, what Sarah and I share is a cause for thankfulness, gratitude, pride and humility. And it’s a reason to celebrate.

So we did.

We staged a little “staycation” this weekend in our hometown, stayed at a fun place called NYLO, and lounged by the pool. It’s amazing how a short, simple getaway can be so fun when your best friend tags along!

She knew it must be Owen when: Using his laptop and assorted cables and connectors from his location bag, he rigged the hotel TV to stream netflix movies.

He knew it must be Sarah when: She requested cocoanut shrimp from Outback. They’re her favorite.

They knew they were lucky to have each other when: They were both happy to slip on 3D glasses and watch Toy Story 3. 

Strange and wonderful, indeed. Happy anniversary, babe!

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Oct 22

A married bachelor’s 10-step, fool-proof plan

There comes a time in every married man’s life when he must relive his past. I’m not talking about a mid-life crisis or a counseling session on a shrink’s couch where you talk about your childhood. I’m talking about resurrecting those bittersweet days as a bachelor.


Oh, that time in the past when hearing someone describe your apartment as “a real bachelor pad” was a badge of honor. “That’s right, baby. This is an art-free, candle-free, kitchen towel-free, toilet paper-free zone.” You want to see some Monet or some little bubbling pots of potpourri, then go see a chick. If you want to admire my stereo and play some xbox, then push that pile of unfolded laundry to the side and have a seat. Those were the days, right?


Times have changed. Now my dinners include vegetables, my coffee table is stacked with candles, my car hasn’t broken down in like, six months, and my socks smell like fabric softener. I’m clothed, seated, and in my right mind.


In other words, now I’m married.


But, for the last few weeks, strange things have been happening. Suddenly, I can’t find the key to the mailbox, or my phone, or the salt shaker. Suddenly, pizza boxes are sprouting up around the kitchen again, like weeds in an unattended garden. Sarah, the civilizing force in my life, has been traveling. So, I’m The Bachelor once again.


I’ve been reading a lot of books about being married and keeping your woman happy. I’m not going to lie – I’m a walking encyclopedia on the inner workings of the female mind. So, while Sarah’s away, I’ve decided to put all knowledge to work.


They say that when a woman’s gone, she wants to know she was missed. She wants to feel appreciated and feel like you are a part of your life you can’t do without. So, I’ve come up with a 10-step, fool-proof plan for letting Sarah know just how much she means to me:

  • 1.  Order pizza like, every day. You can eat that thing for lunch and dinner. Brilliant.
  • 2.  Play xbox. 
  • 3.  Don’t shave. For two weeks.
  • 4.  Put off all essential home and work tasks. Once panic and confusion set in, procrastinate with more xbox.
  • 5.  Text her every day to ask her, “When’s trash day? XOXO”
  • 6.  Roll up used kitchen towels and stuff them into random drawers.
  • 7.  Bury the bills under some fast food wrappers on the table. The power company won’t mind a little hot sauce.
  • 8.  Sell the couch and buy a massive comfy chair. That’s what happens when you only need seating for one.
  • 9.  Run out of clean bowls and use the potpourri dish for morning cereal. Leave said dish in the sink with a few cheerios attached, for effect. 
  • 10.  Pick her up from the airport wearing the exact the same outfit I dropped her off in last week. Explain the fact that my shirt smells like my apartment used to smell when we were dating by telling her that’s just the pheromones in my new cologne. When that doesn’t work, tell her I’m just kidding – I’m really in a focus group that’s testing out dryer sheets that smell like deer urine. Those bucks’ll never see me coming now.
The way I see it, the moment Sarah comes back, she’ll immediately see how important she is to me and how I could never live without her. Jackpot.


If this goes well, I’ll probably write a marriage book. I’ve got a lot of other fool-proof plans the men of America need to know about. 


You can thank me in advance.

Jul 22

things chicks can say to you that you can’t say back

Have you ever experienced a moment when your significant other — be it a wife, fiancee, or girlfriend — says something to you that you could never say back? Maybe she intends the remark to be a compliment. Maybe she’s poking fun at some quirky masculine trait. Well, if it’s a comment you can’t reply to with a, “Me too, honey” then it’s officially a “TCCSTYCB” — a Thing Chicks Can Say To You That You Can’t Say Back. Or, a CSB (Can’t Say Back), for short.


My sweet Sarah is usually a kindhearted soul, but sometimes her attempts at verbal afirmation lose something in the trip from her feminine mind to my ears. I’ve started keeping track of our CSB moments. As a way to demonstrate the differences in how guys and gals communicate, and to save my fellow man from stumbling into a conversational booby trap unawares I’m going to share an occasional CSB for our mutual edification.

CSB #1:

After a late night run to our neighborhood Super Target, S and I are tossing our grocery bags in the back seat of the Four (that’s what we call our 4-Runner). The final bag lands in the back seat, and as I turn the cart around to put it in the corral, Sarah smiles and says, “I love when you go shopping with me. You’re so big!”

“Aww, you’re so sweet. Me, toooooo Oh…wait a second!” What is she saying? Like, she’s happy she won’t have to carry the groceries in from the truck because I’m going to inhale them all on the way home? Or, my massive bulk blocks other carts from entering the store isles so she can dash in and get the last of the sale items? Or, I’m easy to buy food for because I apparently will eat anything? Errr…thanks. I think?

This is a classic CSB. You can’t say, “You’re welcome, your so big, too.” If you do, your relationship is about to change. Drastically.The upside is she’ll never ever ask you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” ever again. Pretty much got that one answered. The down side is, you will either be slapped for being naughty, or slapped for being mean.

When your gal compliments you for being so big you can carry all the shopping bags in one trip or because you deter thugs in dark parking lots, a simple thanks will do. Don’t go into auto pilot on this one and do the quick, “Me, too.” It’s a total CSB.
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