I got into a fight with a snowman today. I was walking around, taking video of today’s snow flurries with my phone. Minding my own business. And I could feel his dark coffee-bean eyes staring at me. The conversation went something like this:

“What’s your problem?”
“I’m a snowman. An awesome snowman.”
“Dude. You don’t even have any arms.”
“So?”
“No corncob pipe. No button nose. And two eyes made out of…”
“Coffee beans.”
“Right. Coffee beans.”
“They’re Starbucks’ Christmas Blend. Limited edition!”
“You are probably the lamest collection of ice crystals ever to form on the hood of my car.”
Shrug.
“You know what I don’t like about you snowpeople…snowpersons…”
“We prefer ‘snowbeings.'”
“I’m about to bite your head off! AND IT WILL TASTE LIKE COFFEE!”
“Why do you stupid humans always assume that a snowbeing’s eyes are located on the head? Uh? I’ve got half a mind…”
“Half a mind? Really? That’s way more than your buddy Frosty! ‘Don’t go into the greenhouse, Frosty, it will melt your face off.’ ‘It’s ok, kids. I really love plants. I’ll come back later and we can all play in the street together.’ Genius.”
“Frosty was my father. AND HE’S TWICE THE BEING YOU’LL EVER BE!”
“You take that back, you lumpy pile of cloud crap!”
“Never! If I ever sprout arms, I’ll gouge out your earwax with a pair of rusty pliers and….”
SWACK!