There comes a time in every married man’s life when he must relive his past. I’m not talking about a mid-life crisis or a counseling session on a shrink’s couch where you talk about your childhood. I’m talking about resurrecting those bittersweet days as a bachelor.
Oh, that time in the past when hearing someone describe your apartment as “a real bachelor pad” was a badge of honor. “That’s right, baby. This is an art-free, candle-free, kitchen towel-free, toilet paper-free zone.” You want to see some Monet or some little bubbling pots of potpourri, then go see a chick. If you want to admire my stereo and play some xbox, then push that pile of unfolded laundry to the side and have a seat. Those were the days, right?
Times have changed. Now my dinners include vegetables, my coffee table is stacked with candles, my car hasn’t broken down in like, six months, and my socks smell like fabric softener. I’m clothed, seated, and in my right mind.
In other words, now I’m married.
But, for the last few weeks, strange things have been happening. Suddenly, I can’t find the key to the mailbox, or my phone, or the salt shaker. Suddenly, pizza boxes are sprouting up around the kitchen again, like weeds in an unattended garden. Sarah, the civilizing force in my life, has been traveling. So, I’m The Bachelor once again.
I’ve been reading a lot of books about being married and keeping your woman happy. I’m not going to lie – I’m a walking encyclopedia on the inner workings of the female mind. So, while Sarah’s away, I’ve decided to put all knowledge to work.
They say that when a woman’s gone, she wants to know she was missed. She wants to feel appreciated and feel like you are a part of your life you can’t do without. So, I’ve come up with a 10-step, fool-proof plan for letting Sarah know just how much she means to me:
- 1. Order pizza like, every day. You can eat that thing for lunch and dinner. Brilliant.
- 2. Play xbox.
- 3. Don’t shave. For two weeks.
- 4. Put off all essential home and work tasks. Once panic and confusion set in, procrastinate with more xbox.
- 5. Text her every day to ask her, “When’s trash day? XOXO”
- 6. Roll up used kitchen towels and stuff them into random drawers.
- 7. Bury the bills under some fast food wrappers on the table. The power company won’t mind a little hot sauce.
- 8. Sell the couch and buy a massive comfy chair. That’s what happens when you only need seating for one.
- 9. Run out of clean bowls and use the potpourri dish for morning cereal. Leave said dish in the sink with a few cheerios attached, for effect.
- 10. Pick her up from the airport wearing the exact the same outfit I dropped her off in last week. Explain the fact that my shirt smells like my apartment used to smell when we were dating by telling her that’s just the pheromones in my new cologne. When that doesn’t work, tell her I’m just kidding – I’m really in a focus group that’s testing out dryer sheets that smell like deer urine. Those bucks’ll never see me coming now.
If this goes well, I’ll probably write a marriage book. I’ve got a lot of other fool-proof plans the men of America need to know about.
You can thank me in advance.